How to overcome myself

I am my own worst enemy. How do you overcome the self-destructiveness of yourself? Every time I have a good or even great idea about something, my mind can come up with least twice as many reasons that my idea is not good enough and will fail.

My mind is like a prison that I just can't seem to break out of and my insecurities and self-doubts are the wardens.

How do you stop a never ending cycle of self-hate? How do you  shut your mind down and just tell it to shut the fuck up? This year has been very trying for me. My business has been doing better, slowly improving but getting better. I'm starting to do more with learning about photography and even yesterday I finally took my camera to Manual mode and took a few snaps. Was pretty pleased. After doing all the reading I could do in regards to learning about my camera, just a few days it finally clicked to me the relationship that Apeture, ISO, and Shutter speed have in relation to each other. You would have thought I had solved world peace. lol

Yet even after I was happy with that discovery I could feel the mental bricks starting to hit me over the head in regards to what I could possibly do with my camera. Do I want to get better with it? Absolutely, but when it comes to how I seem to always be at a lost. I have ideas in my head in what I would like to do, but where to start is just the mother of all phuck ups. I want to learn Adobe Photoshop and Lightroom but it just feels like a foreign lanuage to me. Then the self doubts just pour in abundance and all I can do is just get in my bed and go to sleep.

This July I went to Lindenwood University and The Arts Institute of Saint Louis to check out options in regards to transferring out of Saint Louis Community College because I had brought up my GPA to allow for being transferred out to a 4 year college but also they had informed me that I had my Associates also in General Credits. So I felt that I needed to look into the next step in regards to my education. My sister graduated with a Bachelors in Business Administration from Lindenwood University last year and she recommended I look into them especially since they offer cluster classes. I also happen to see that the The Arts Institute of Saint Louis was also near by and decided to visit both campuses.

I enjoyed Lindenwood's campus because of the options for flexibility in regards to my job. I keep thinking a Business Administration degree would be great for helping me with the business I have know and who knows what other business ventures I might do in the future. Yet then I went to the The Arts Institute of Saint Louis and I could have just gone insane because it was just the campus of my dreams in regards to the classes that they offered. If I went there I could get a Bachelors in Photography. I love looking at pictures and wonder how people were able to create them. Not just a picture using Adobe Photoshop but even pictures from back in the 1950's. Being able to capture a moment and give it  a life forever. I also want to learn about videography. I love looking through the B&H catelogs and just checking out the latest equipment. In fact when I went to the Arts Institute of Saint Louis and went on my tour I thought I was going to pass out from the green screen room and the storage area they had for photography equipment. I was in absolute bliss!

I was so excited I couldn't think of anything else that day. Then reality crept back up after finding out how much tuition was for the Institute ($70,000) and also even for Lindenwood ($30,000). So I did the next step and filled out my FAFSA form. So I don't have any any loans and have never used grants for my education. So I thought maybe that might count for something when applying. NOPE, didn't qualify for any grants. So I'm thinking how in the hell am I going to qualify for loans even though I know my credit isn't the best and I'm on the road to trying fix that as well.

All of this is just staring me in the face and I'm just feeling like I just can't deal. I know I'm not dumb, at least that is what I try to tell myself. I keep thinking maybe if I was normally I would have been successful with my life.

-Have my college degree (hell at this point A DEGREE)

-Lose weight

-Move out on my own

-Better credit status

-Improve my small business

-Learn and advance with photography, start my photography project

-Just be fucking happy

My dream would be to travel the world. Pack a camera bag and just fly like the wind. Yet unfortunately all I feel like is a metal weight that is just further sinking.

I finally called my therapist out of the blue a few weeks ago to set up an appointment to meet with her next week. I had not seen her in over 5 years. I honestly don't recall how I remembered her name, it just popped in my head.

I'ts a shame really. With as much negative energy I have in my head and surrounding me, I feel as though if I could turn it into a positive energy. I would be absolutely brilliant and unfucking stoppable. Yet how do you stop yourself from destroying.....yourself?

I have to also point out and want to give a big apology to my friends who want to spend time with me more than I'm able to do so. I honestly feel my spirit is just so 'done' and don't want to be around other people at times. As much as I want to kick it with them, I just become so exhausted with my thoughts and I'm just not of use to anyone.

18th Smith Family Reunion

This past weekend I was at the 18th Smith Family Reunion. The festivities started on Friday morning and concluded on Sunday afternoon. Had a great time overall just kicking it with family starting at my Aunt Mary's house out in Richmond Heights from 7pm until whenever:)

Saturday afternoon we met up at Tilles Park out in Brentwood, MO. I took my camera out there and couldn't believe all the shots I had taken over the course of the event. Over 400 and as you can see everyone had a great time.

Sunday morning our family reunion wrapped up with a prayer breakfast at the HeMan Commons Center in University City, MO. Had a great time with awards being handed out to musical performances from two of my cousins. In fact for a treat, google: Morgan Taylor Gospel. Oh and on this day, I took close to 700 pictures,

Afterwards I went home and crashed! The next Smith Family reunion is in Washington D.C. Until then!

God might be trying to tell me something

On Monday afternoon I decided to go to the Missouri Botanical Garden to take some pictures with my DSLR to try to become further acquainted with it and just take some time to relax. I was there for around 2 hours and really enjoyed myself even with a few rain showers that kept me inside a few buildings. Afterwards I was walking to my car and noticed something on the back of my trunk. It was a Praying Mantis and I just stared at it. Even told it shove off a few times. Finally I just ignored it and hopped in my car. Then I stopped at a Hardee's restaurant which was less than a mile away to chill for a little while and when I stepped out of the car I was impressed to still find the praying mantis still holding on but it had moved up to the roof of my car. I kept staring at the insect and told it to shove off again! At this point I just flicked it off my car. Afterwards I went home and just chilled out for the rest of the evening.

Tuesday morning comes around I make my way to my car I go to my trunk to put something away and as I am about to open my trunk I notice another Praying Mantis off the side of my trunk just chilling. I'm staring at it like what in the world is going on...So I stare at for a few minutes and think flick it off and get in my car to make my way to the airport to pick up one of my best friends. I drop her off and then make my way to the gas station because my car is needing gas. I get out and start pumping and go around to my passenger door and open the door. What is waiting on the window on the INSIDE of my door? Another Praying Mantis. I just smiled and thought, maybe God is trying to tell me something. I looked back at the Praying Mantis and told the messenger, 'I think I get it now, you can go on.' Sure enough the bug took off and hopped out of my car.

I couldn't help but think about all those different interactions with a Praying Mantis out of all insects for the past two days. Sometimes things happen and you brush them off and think, 'nah, it's nothing special.' But sometimes it takes more than one time to try and get the message. Maybe it's a signal that I need to stop myself and just pray. My mind has become seriously troubled this past year and I find it harder to just try to empty my mind and find peace. Maybe I just need to find a quiet place and just pray.

Midwest Natural Hair Expo 2015


This past weekend I was lucky enough to be a hair model for my beautician at the Midwest Natural hair expo downtown. So last weekend I did some preparations myself with my nails and face, and then met up with my beautician on Friday to have my hair prepped for Saturday morning. I've been going to Daisha since I went natural and was excited to help her out with modeling Design Essential hair products that were used on my hair.

shrinkage is a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So after my hair was prepped I went to have my face prepped by Sid's Eyebrow Threading shop off of Delmar and Skinker. They did a great job and I was very pleased. Then I went to the nail salon and had my nails done. As long as I've been going there you would think I remember the name, but nope, I only remember it is directly across the street from the old Walmart off of Saint Charles Rock Road in St. Ann.

Afterwards I went to the Galleria and found a nice black top at New York and Company since I already had some black pallazzo pants. So fast forward to Saturday morning. I wake up and run a few errands before making my way to my destination. The Expo was held at the downtown Holiday Inn in the conference room area.  I made sure to get there about 15 minutes early and decided to check out some of the vendors in the big conference area. Overall there around 20+ vendors but unfortunately I saw that some vendors had not shown up even by the time we left around 5pm.

Huge advantage of getting there early...seeing everything the vendors have to offer with minimum activity. So throughout the event that started at 11am I found some great items.

gift bags for attendees

what to do when you are waiting? Take a selfie of course.
Once Daisha arrived she got to work on her models. There were four of us for Saturday and she had different ones for Sunday.

finished look

While we were there, Daisha was nice enough to treat us to lunch in the hotel and that was a hoot. We had such a great time I told her I would love to model for her again. Oh and I cannot forget my girl Thisha who met me up there and took pictures and videos of me.


Afterwards I went home and thought I would take a quick nap before trying to head out to Chesterfield to enjoy the Jazz and wine Festival........yea that nap quickly turned into a coma and I didn't wake up until 11:30pm. So yea....lolol.

So I decided I would take pictures of my treasures from the expo. Sorry pics look like they are in the shadows.

I so have a badass headwrap that will compliment this set.

This awesome lady made the jewelry above

This amazing artist made the jewelry in the two pics right above this one.

This lady was amazing to talk to. She not only makes items for your body but she also makes them for your home. She is awesome!

Overall I had a great time!!!! and I can't wait to check out future events.

with Daisha aka the kinky kologist

closeup of my crazy koils

Thomas siblings part 2

So this morning a wonderful breakfast was prepared and my mom's sibling came over for another great time. The food was great as usual and my Aunt Vi and Aunt Jackie left around a hour ago. My uncles are scheduled to leave tomorrow. Overall this has been great weekend seeing my mom's relatives. Of course I have pictures. Click on the link below.

Thomas sibling part 2

Thomas Siblings gathering part 1

Picture taken by me on 6/21/15

This past Monday my Aunt Ora came into town from California. We hadn't seen her in a while so this was a big treat for us. While I've been at work, she and my mother have been enjoying themselves with working out at Planet Fitness, shopping, and getting food together for the big gathering that was held yesterday. Yesterday around 4pm my mom's other siblings came into town and some other family members and friends were over as well. From the way my mom puts it, all seven siblings have not been together since my maternal grandfather passed away back in 1994. So this was definitely a special occasion. The food was wonderful, the company was excellent well into the night. Over all great times were had by all.

Follow the link below to see all the pictures.