My Spring Break so far has been a stay-cation. I've mainly been in the house since Sunday struggling with a cold. I started to feel back to normal around yesterday. My mom unfortunately has been battling a cold also but the effects on her have been much worse. They were so bad my dad took her to the emergency room Wednesday morning just to have her checked out. She was having the shakes and always and complaining about possibly losing consciousnesses. So as of right now she is still in bed sleeping and just trying to regain her strength back. It's really taken a toll on her. My father and I have been watching over just to make sure everything is ok.
Besides dealing with this cold I've been able to get out and TRY to take some pictures. Which unfortunately have been met with disastrous results so far. I took my camera to a great camera store called Schiller's near my job and they checked out my Pentax K1000 just to make sure it was working ok. While I was there I purchased 3 rolls of ISO 400 film and a salesman was nice enough to put in a roll of film for me so I could have it ready to go.
So during the beginning of Spring Break, I went to Forest Park and decided to take a few shots to see if I knew what I was doing. I have two lens (50 mm and a 120 mm) so far and just ordered a third one (28 mm) a few days ago. So I complete a roll of film and I start to rewind it. Unfortunately I forgot to hit the button at the bottom of my camera and as I was rewinding it I was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with my camera and I OPENED it up and exposed the film....So after forcefully rewinding it and while doing that destroyed some sprockets on the film, I take it to Schiller's that day to turn in to be developed. I informed the saleman of my problem and he asked me if I had engaged the button at the bottom of my camera. I immediately thought "NO", and I informed the guy and he told me that was problem.
The next day I went in and a saleslady informs me that they were not able to get anything off of the film. With the sprockets destroyed and the film exposed there was nothing that they could find. So of course I was disappointed and heartbroken. She asked if I wanted to keep the film I told her No and to just throw away. By the time I turned around I already had tears in my eyes and then by the time I reached my car all I could do was just sob while sitting inside. I keep thinking I'm not good at anything and I'm never going to be anyone that even I can be proud of.
So I sit there in my car and think for 35 years I've not been able to master anything or accomplish anything of importance. I just wonder what in the hell am I even here on this Earth for. I can't even rewind a roll of film properly. Other thoughts start racing in my head. I feel like I've always had battles going on inside of my head for years and they just won't stop...Hell if I'm truly honest with myself for the longest time I didn't plan on being here past my 35th birthday and still wonder if I want to be. I wonder how I would feel if I wasn't around anymore and the only thing that scares me is that I wouldn't do it right and be worse off. Beyond that I honestly feel that I would be happier and I wouldn't have to worry about my warped mentality anymore. I feel my mind has become my biggest enemy and I just don't feel like fighting it anymore. Now all these damn thoughts are rushing out of me and this is just off of not being able to rewind a roll of film properly. You can not even imagine how my much of a torment my mind has been to me ever since my teenage years.
So I leave Schillers and go to Red Lobster to grab something to eat and then afterwards make my way home.
I mainly stayed at home to look after my mom and then decided to take another roll of film to load into my camera. Now there are a few books I have been reading regarding photography. So I don't know WHY when I decided to load up the 2nd roll of film I thought for some STUPID reason I had to advance the WHOLE roll of film through the camera WITH the back still open and THEN close the back and rewind the film BACK to the beginning....so yea I haven't even taken any pictures yet and I'm PRETTY sure I've fucked up that roll of film as well. I don't know what I was thinking. So I still have that roll in the camera and wonder if it might still work since I was not outside when I put the roll in. I was just in my room with a lamp on.....Who the hell knows...
Afterwards I decide to get out for a while and I went to the STL Galleria to checkout one of my favorite stores, SEE Eyewear to checkout the latest frames that they have for their trunk show tomorrow. I came across a few that I thought were cute but not totally sold on any pair. I have a Groupon code for $200 off a pair that expires in April so I might wait until then to see if any more new frames come in that I might like.
When I got back home I started looking into packaging supplies for my shea butter mixtures. I'm thinking of starting a business and selling them along with my hair oil mixtures. Also am thinking about body scrubs, lip balms or/and solid perfume rolls. I was really excited about it then doubt started to creep through. I normally make it for my mom and myself. Can I really along with my small mixer really make up that many batches..
Well today started off with some rain and for the most part has been a cloudy day, which is pretty much matching my mood overall. I decided to get out this afternoon and take some more pictures. To see if I'm not a total fuck up. So I made my way to Kirkwood and got out decided to see if the roll from yesterday that I possibly screwed up was in fact screwed up. After taking pictures on that roll I decided to use another roll and proceeded to load that one into my camera. After checking to make sure it was loaded in I proceeded to take some pictures then after a few pictures I hear this strange sound as I try to advance to take another picture. It's not advancing the way it suppose to. I get nervous and know I shouldn't open up the camera or I'll expose all of the film, so I just start taking shot until I get to number 24. But the camera is still taking pics past 24 or at least it is still letting me advance so at that point I knew I had ruined another roll of film. So I opened it up to see what was wrong and see the film is not moving but the sprockets are every time I would try to advance the film. I closed it back up and rewound the film back out. I take it out, put it in my bag and just get back in my car. I've wasted 3 rolls of film about 16 bucks worth.
What kills me is that I had also gone to Walgreens before going out to Kirkwood and had bought a 4 pack of film and I now I'm thinking I need to just return it back to Walgreens. I'm wasting my time and money thinking that I could ever learn about photography. If I can't understand the basics I sure as hell am never going to learn anything advance. If I can't understand how to use a vintage camera I definitely don't need to waste my money buying a digital one. So I now have two rolls of film that pretty much are useless just like the first one I dealt with earlier this week. I still plan on taking them in to see if there are ANY pictures at all.
At home now just in a shitty mood. Not to mention my hair looks crazy. It's official I will not be using Design Essentials Natural Honey CurlForming Custard with Honey and Chamomile anymore in my hair. That should only be used on people with thick hair, which I just don't have. My hair still has the twists in it but as far as styling, there isn't any body to my hair. It looks like I have crazy stringy twist on my head even as I untwist them more to get more body. So my beautician wants me to see her tomorrow so she can see what it looks like so far..... Yea definitely don't think this will be one of my to-go to looks in the future.
Overall this week just feels like an epic fail. The only good that has come out of this Spring Break for me so far has been my bracelet and getting together with some high school girlfriends. Oh and I'm finally started feeling back to normal yesterday from that crazy bout of the flu. Besides that I'm just done, I wonder what more punishment can come my way with three more days left in my vacation....
Until the next episode....